Forgot to Post

(I meant to post this the day before the twins were born…)

October 10, 2010
Tomorrow’s the big day, when Sylvie’s twin brothers say “Hello World.” I’m expecting a lot of tears. Everyone is. We have a football team of doctors, nurses, midwives ready to help us in the O.R. many of whom at our very special request. Knowing what an emotional day it will be for us, I talked to my doctors and the folks at the hospital several times to go over our comfort level, our discomfort level and everything in between.

On Friday, Michael and I met at the cemetery to plant some hot pink mums and bring a pumpkin painted with a glittery Hello Kitty. I planned to read “The Polar Bear and The Rainbow,” one of Sylvie’s favorite books. We first found it on the book cart at the Reuten Clinic which became our immediate destination after checking in. I’m sure I’ve blogged about it before. It had one of those ‘Sponsored by a holiday donation from XXXX at Barnes & Noble,” labels so if you are ever wondering what happens to the books you purchase during the holidays with the intent of donating, please know it’s a very good thing to do. Anyway, one day the book was missing. This was a problem of big proportions. Perhaps we left it up in PedOnc. Perhaps we returned it to the pediatric library but it was nowhere to be found. They didn’t have it at Bookends or at Barnes & Noble, so I ordered it from Amazon. And wouldn’t you know it, those cheapskate publishers did a second edition printing with far less glitter on each page. So we “made lemonade” and Sylvie put some of her favorite stickers on each page of the book. I admit, I hadn’t opened it for a while so I was touched to see her personal contribution to the book. I was, however, too choked up to read it aloud so I read it to myself while Michael sat next to me. He said that the name “Benjamin” was on his baby name list because that’s the name of the polar bear in the story.

I have had many conversations with Sylvie about her becoming a big sister and our having twin boys. I’ve thanked her for sharing her bedroom and apologized for painting it blue. Pity the poor person who tells us that our babies are “special” for having a big sister who is an angel. I will lose my proverbial shit. I cannot wrap my head around it. How on earth do we go on loving the same way we did before, not being terrified at every bump, fever, cough, sniffle and tummy ache? I realize that many parents, when they have subsequent kids feel guilty about sharing their love but essentially, your heart just continues to grow and grow. This is different though. We have no closure. No answers. And no Sylvie. I’m so defensive when someone who doesn’t know about our family asks me if our daughter had been ill. I am quick to say that she had cancer but that she was CURED.

I think the fall will forever be pretty miserable in our longing for Sylvie. I recalled at the cemetery that it’s almost Halloween and that last year, Sylvie wore her new Cinderella costume to school and held Miss Amanda’s hand as they led the parade. I have a movie of it. A movie that our au pair Caroline shot while Michael and I hid because Sylvie would not have wanted to proceed had she seen us in the crowd. One of Sylvie’s friends was also dressed like Cinderella so it was cute seeing the two of them in their sparkly blue dresses. I have boxes of Halloween decorations—Sylvie hated them because they were scary but they were pretty cool. I acquiesced last year and bought sparkly fall decorations instead because she liked them better. We also went to Florida in November to celebrate Sylvie’s recovery and had the most glorious time. We’ve since brought some of the shells we collected on our trip to decorate her headstone. I don’t wish losing a child on anyone but really, the business and rituals one must do at a cemetery would make your head spin. When I bought the Hello Kitty pumpkin, I considered saying something to the cashier at the garden center but really, what is there to say?

My dad asked me again last week, as if we haven’t had the conversation a LOT, if we would be having a bris ceremony for the boys (NO WAY). Even my obstetrician has asked me repeatedly and mirrored the rabbi’s sentiment of it being an “important” one time only Jewish life event of an eight day old baby boy, let alone two. I can’t help but understand where they are coming from and I have the utmost respect for all of them. But really, there is no way that any of them can look me in the face and not read my mind—I have found very little solace in faith. Pardon my language, but I could give a flying fuck about a bris.
So tomorrow is a very big day. I have a playlist ready to go. A couple of the songs remind me of Sylvie. They might even be bummer songs but they make me feel better. When Sylvie was born, I had intended the Simon & Garfunkel song “The Only Living Boy in New York” to be playing but let’s just say that nothing went according to plan! Here’s what’s on the list tomorrow in no particular order.

Bitter Sweet Symphony The Verve
Come Home Angel Dan Wilson
I've Been Waiting Matthew Sweet
Fall On Me R.E.M.
100 Years Five For Fighting
The Only Living Boy in New York Simon & Garfunkel
Little Wonders Rob Thomas
The New Year Death Cab For Cutie
Lights Are Changing Mary Lou Lord
Soul Meets Body Death Cab for Cutie
The Long Way Around Dixie Chicks
Champagne Supernova Oasis
The Drugs Don't Work The Verve
La Cienega Just Smiled Ryan Adams
Easy Silence Dixie Chicks
Tiny Dancer Ben Folds
A Long December Counting Crows
Fade Into You Mazzy Star
Crazy About You Whiskeytown
Feeling Good Robinella & The CC String Band
Jacksonville Skyline Whiskeytown
Home Edward Sharpe & The Magnetic Zeros
Ooh Child Beth Orton
She Don't Care About Time The Byrds
Heavenly Day Patty Griffin
This Will Be My Year Semisonic

The New Year

(My friend Stacie made this photo collage).

It's that time of year again, the Jewish New Year or High Holidays and I've sat on this post for a while. Last year was truly triumphant for our family, especially for Sylvie. Old friends used to ask me if I had become a "Super Jew" because of our frequent attendance at temple but the reality was that Sylvie LOVED it. Going to Tot Shabbat services was just as good as shopping at Target, to Sylvie. Plus it involved fancy clothes, shoes and a matching handbag filled with Princess miniatures. Last fall, it was a very big deal to be at temple with the whole family. I couldn't help but think, "SYLVIE BEAT CANCER!" and she looked pretty adorable, fuzzy head and all. Last year I pondered the serious intonation behind the Jewish Holidays-- being inscribed in the Book of Life for the following year. To say that I felt completely robbed and abandoned two months later when Sylvie, cancer-free, suddenly passed away is an understatement and I've spent the better part of the year trying to reconcile my feelings. Michael and I thought we'd make an appearance this year although and we even strategized with the rabbi about our anger and how to deal with going to temple. He told us the story about Elie Wiesel in Auschwitz debating with a friend whether to fast or not on Yom Kippur and overall, that it's okay to be angry and challenge even the highest power. As per his suggestion, we arrived late. But I couldn't hold it together not for one minute. I was a puddle of tears. A fat pregnant mess. In the third row. Sandwiched between my dad and my husband. And it just got worse. Words that used to have meaning to me leapt off the pages of the prayer book that made no sense to me as one might try and apply them to the death of a child. Seeing Sylvie's buddies cavorting made me miserable. White noise filled my ears and I just couldn't figure out how to leave without making a spectacle of myself. After crying through the Kaddish, the "mourner's prayer," we sped across the front of the synagogue and made a clean getaway.

It was also the first week of school so not only did I have photos from one year prior of a very proud Sylvie and her pals at preschool but home movies of her palling around with her cousin Megan on Rosh Hashana. Knowing the week was going to be rough is entirely different than living it.

Two days later, a dear friend hosted a cocktail party for me under the premise that our friends continue to want to do nice things, especially with the twinkies arrival in the immediate distance and our ability to do anything social is also about to diminish or disappear for a while. It's very hard for me to accept help from others, especially for such a long time, or be the center of attention and I can't wait until I can return all the favors, meals and kindness. If there was ever an area for me to say "I'm lucky" it is that my friends are wonderful. I tried to thank them but the second I said just how awful and hard the past year has been, I looked up to teary eyes sympathetically looking at me and cut it short.

The next morning, we scheduled the unveiling, a ceremony that dedicates a grave monument at the cemetery. There are time constraints (usually done around 11 months) and Audra constraints (my pregnancy). We knew it would be awful so we kept it as intimate as possible. Rabbi Wylen volunteered to read a passage that I wrote on our behalf. I wanted to share it because in as many of our friends who regularly check in and ask us how we are doing, just as many are too uncomfortable or have never said a word, text, nada. Is it hard to balance the joy of imminently having two baby boys dominating our lives with perpetual sadness over our loss? Obviously.

SYLVIE ROSE HUGHES, UNVEILING, 9/12/10
Thank you for joining us today and bringing sparkly rocks. Sylvie spent hours looking for sparkly pebbles and shells which we collected from all over the world to fill her pockets or for future art projects, not for her headstone.

“Most people don’t know there are angels whose only job is to make sure you don’t get too comfortable & fall asleep & miss your life.” We saw this quote in an art gallery in Woodstock last January. I used to like quotes. They are often more poignant than anything we could say ourselves. Like, “The things you can’t control in your life are what shape you,” which opened a movie we recently watched.

The problem with quotes is that they’re impersonal. And the past year has been VERY personal for us and our families.
We cry. A lot. Daily. Sometimes more than that. Every memory we have with Sylvie is as vivid today as the moment it occurred. But they’re memories. The good, the bad, the Sylvie. When we go home today, we go home alone.

We think about Sylvie with so often that if you were to think about any other THING with such frequency you’d be diagnosed obsessive compulsive, addicted or just plain crazy. It’s hard to concentrate, work or sleep when all we hear is Sylvie’s name playing in the background over and over and over again. The pain, sadness and longing does not get any easier.
We look everywhere for signs that Sylvie’s spirit is with us; we talk to photographs, squirrels & rabbits, our own pets, butterflies and sometimes just to ourselves.

Over the past ten months we’ve been showered with sympathy and kindness from near and afar. We’ve learned to accept help from others or just remind ourselves that “people mean well and want us to be happy.” Or that they are sad too. We have learned who our friends are. We’ve also had to lie to strangers and pretend that we have a precocious chatty four year old at home anxiously awaiting her two baby brothers to be born in October.

Samantha, Sylvie’s best friend talks about Sylvie almost daily. I love that Sylvie is still such a part, albeit quite different, of her life. Whether it’s a snowflake or a bright star, Samantha is convinced that Sylvie has had a role in it’s being there. We feel the same way so I guess you could say we have the newfound maturity of a five year old.

I found a picture of Sylvie in the classroom on the first day of school last year. She was standing beside a table with her friend Alexandra. Fuzzy head and all, Sylvie was so proud to be there. She was beaming. As if she knew that she cheated death’s door and WON. In as much as Michael & I wanted the world to see that our lives had returned to normal, Sylvie did too.

Sylvie reminds me so much of my mother’s mother, Sylvia, that I often wondered if that’s what drew my mother and I even closer to her. The sparkles. The fabulousness. The flair. In a three year old. My mom told me one day recently that Sylvie was her favorite person in the world ever. And I have a feeling that if given the opportunity, many others would say something similar because Sylvie went out of her way to make MANY people feel that way, unless they were doctors of course.

Sylvie touched so many people’s lives in such a brief moment of time. I realize when I repeatedly say that our lives will never be normal again, that many of our friends and family feel a similar longing. But it’s different. Because we’ve been staring at an empty bedroom for 10 months and talking about Sylvie as if she’s right here but she’ll never be. Having a newfound need to believe in Heaven, angels, the survival of the human spirit. We’ve discarded or downgraded every need in the universe with the exception of two: The first is seeing Sylvie’s spirit in our future family. The second is being reunited with her upon our own passing. And that’s as good as it gets. Thank you again for being here with us today.

Strides For Sylvie 2010 thanks

Michael and I can't even begin to thank everyone for making Strides For Sylvie 2010 a tremendous success. Last year, we had spent 75 percent of our time with Sylvie in HUMC while our friends rallied to launch the inaugural event. Michael and I would take breaks from the hospital to do our training runs at the Duck Pond and would make it back in time to shower in Sylvie's hospital room bathroom before dinner. We were so overwhelmed by the outpouring of support and so thrilled that Sylvie made a guest appearance at Strides For Sylvie 2009.

This year, we were much more involved ourselves but in light of circumstances, it was also very hard for us personally to do a lot of the outreach. You can't imagine how hard it is, six months later, walking into Sylvie's favorite stores downtown. For the concert last winter, I did all the flyering myself and just couldn't handle the constant breaking down and sobbing whether it was at Rita's Snips for Pips, Learning Express, Town & Country or the Bagel Store. I had our au pair go into Greenwich Nails last time because I couldn't bear to tell the sweet women who work there and had been carrying our family's photographs with them and lighting candles in church. My friend Michelle went into Morning Glory (aka the Hello Kitty store) and told Chris, the owner, who began sobbing so loudly that all the customers left.

Which brings me to Strides For Sylvie 2010. Whereas 2009 celebrated our friends and family rallying to support our precious little daughter, 2010 really extended to the community and beyond in Sylvie's memory. We're proud to live here so creating an exciting tricky tray raffle featuring local businesses was very important to us. Knowing that so many folks who Sylvie directly loved and cared about were running in the race, raising money for TCF, making generous contributions of their own and donating items is heart warming to Michael & me. We had over 100 runners wearing Strides For Sylvie shirts (and a few Have Our Backs For Cancer folks writing her name directly on their backs) and are still tallying the monies raised but it well exceeds last year's $15,000. Michael ran the 10K and looked like he was going to have a heat stroke. My dad ran the 5K and looked like he could have run the course twice! I was so touched by our friends who cut their long weekends short to support us and friends who drove near and far. I regret not being able to meet the family who had a lemonade stand that benefited SFS but I hope they know how much their efforts mean to us. New Jersey Masters has been so generous and supportive in allowing us to be present at the event and I hope that we help create a new energy and generation of runners for years to come.

Without the help of our friends Sara Beinstein, Ann Chase, Catherine Roberto Karas and Caroline Oddy, you would not have seen flyers downtown or the abundance of gift baskets.

Sponsors who underwrote the cost of the t-shirts and also made generous donations to TCF include UNFI, Angello's, Bee-Ceuticals, Bionature, Commodities Natural Market, Galaxy Foods, Ecobags, Misra & Associates, Nature's Path, Whole Child Center, Louise Phillips Forbes/ the Halstead Group. Ed Linder at Ed LInder & Associates had to deal with crazy me on printing the t-shirts and I have to say, he did a great job and they're awesome! I hope you will support their businesses and healthy living values. We wouldn't have t-shirts if my friend Gail had not designed the logo in the first place.

We were overwhelmed by contributions of tricky tray raffle items from The Dance Bag, Elite Gymnastics, Ethos Spa, It's Greek to Me, Maggie Moo's, Learning Express, Natalie's, Parisi's Fitness, Pizza Fusion, Super Cellars, Rita's Snips for Pips, Tons of Toys, Town & Country, Winberie's and Tomorrows Children's Fund. Thank you from the bottom of our hearts.

Without the generosity of Tina at the UPS Store, we would have actually had to pay for our printing services.

Shree Yoga, where Michael and I practice, held a concurrent event, Asanas For Sylvie where they too raised money for TCF. My friend Stacie brought photographs of Sylvie to the tranquil studio although I wish they could have seen Sylvie do her own downward dog or tree pose.

If you were at the tent or if you have kids who attend Montessori Learning Center, then you know that nearly all of Sylvie's preschool teachers ran in the race. Miss Amanda raised a lot of money on behalf of the school and completed the 10K. They are creating with Tomorrows Children's Fund a super hero and princess treasure chest filled with brand new costumes for the ped onc kids. They also made a gigantic poster featuring pictures of Sylvie at school with her friends which you may have seen at the race. Ironically, when I used to look at the pictures and see Sylvie cavorting with Sophia, Alexandra, Viraj, Hannah & Nazla, naturally I imagined them all growing up together. I would save every one of her friends holiday & Valentine's Day cards, too, because I imagined doing something silly, nostalgic and potentially embarrassing with them for their high school graduation. So looking at the poster or just thinking about it right now makes me weep. It's only been six months but I'm sure at some point our friends may think we are officially mad when we are still talking about our three and half year old and their kids have are all turning... four, six, ten, fifteen years old but I just can't imagine every feeling any different. Our lives stopped at three and a half. If you've ever heard that time heals all wounds, well it doesn't.

For now, our hearts go out to all the other parents and children who are fighting pediatric cancers. They are extraordinary. Super heros and princesses every single day. If our efforts in Strides For Sylvie and as Sylvie's parents raise awareness & funds, contribute to some joyful moments, help families cope and save lives, then we have all done our jobs.

Thank you again.

Love, Audra & Michael

ASANAS FOR SYLVIE

If running isn't your thing but a few downward dogs and sun salutations are, please join the wonderful community at Shree Yoga just down the street in Saddle River for "Asanas For Sylvie," a special Memorial Day Level I & II class from 9:00-11:00 am, Monday May 31. All abilities welcome. All proceeds/donations go to Tomorrow's Children's Fund. Please bring cash or a check made out to Tomorrows Children's Fund.
http://www.shreeyoga.com/

AMAZING RAFFLE PRIZES FOR ALL AGES AND INTERESTS!

Below is a list of fantastic items for kids and adults that will be raffled off on Monday, May 31 at the Strides For Sylvie tent at the Ridgewood Run. We expect a few more to roll in before the race. Thanks for your support.

All proceeds will go to the Tomorrows Children’s Fund at Hackensack University Medical Center.
Raffle tickets are $3 each or 8 for $20. Payment for tickets can be made with cash or check (made payable to Tomorrows Children’s Fund).
All winners will be announced prior to the fun run and prizes can be collected immediately after.

WINBERIE'S
Enjoy weekend brunch for 2 at this local bistro in Ridgewood.

IT’S GREEK TO ME
Includes a $25 gift certificate and a bottle of wine to compliment your adventure in Greek dining. It’s Greek To Me is a casual family friendly restaurant in downtown Ridgewood.


NATALIE’S
A $25 gift certificate to Natalie’s of Ridgewood on Broad street and a bottle of red– yours to choose whether you want breakfast, lunch, dinner, or just some delectable cupcakes!

SUPER CELLARS/ PATRICK & SONS
Ridgewood’s Super Cellars is a family business featuring wines for every shopper, fine cheeses, gourmet packaged goods, fresh bread and prepared foods. Enjoy dinner & drinks on us--A pairing of pasta and sauce accompanied by a bottles of red & white wine. Valued at over $65.

PIZZA FUSION
Fresh, organic and earth-friendly, Pizza Fusion in Ridgewood is a new take on America's favorite food. Includes a $25 gift certificate, organic spices and pizza cutter!

MAGGIE MOO’S
MaggieMoo's super premium ice cream in Ridgewood where you create your own ice cream masterpiece by selecting one ice cream flavor and choosing your favorite mix-ins. This one-year passport entitles you to one ice cream treat each month for a whole year!

TOWN AND COUNTRY APOTHECARY
Win a wonderful gift basket from Ridgewood’s luxury apothecary.

BERGEN PAC
Tickets to an upcoming concert or event!

MADISON SQUARE GARDEN
Tickets to an upcoming concert or event!

ETHOS Fitness.
Spa. For Women
The vision of Ethos is to provide the most welcoming, motivating, luxurious and social environment in which women can improve their health and well-being. Includes 1 month's membership to the club in Midland Park.

PARISI’S FITNESS
Triple your chance to win with one of three gift certificates. Details forthcoming.

DANCE BASKET
Includes a $15 gift certificate to the Dance Bag in Ridgewood and additional ballerina princess-worthy books from Pinkalicious, Angelina, Fancy Nancy, toys and crafts by Melissa & Doug worth nearly $100!

KIDZ BOP
Includes 19 Kidz Bop CDs jam packed with nearly 300 tracks of the best songs sung kids for kids. Featuring the brand new Kidz Bop Sings the Beatles album!

RITA’S SNIPS FOR KIDS
The hippest hair salon in town for your kids . Basket includes gift certificate for a child’s haircut and additional kid-approved products and toys.


LEARNING EXPRESS
Ridgewood's local toy store for unique and educational toys that delight children of all ages. Value over $50.


GAME TOWER #1
Enjoy your favorite classic board games today and for years to come. Family fun for all! Includes Battleship, Clue, Monopoly, Sorry! and Yahtzee.


GAME TOWER #2
Introduce your little kids to the most classic board games. Family fun for all. Includes Chutes and Ladders, Candy Land, Topple, Connect Four and Memory.

BOYS JUST WANT TO HAVE FUN!
Includes Tonka Mighty Motorized tough truck and Playskook Helmet Heroes Police Officer helmet.


HARRY POTTER DVDS (3)
Called the “Wizard of Oz” of it’s time, the Harry Potter collection is a favorites for kids and adults of all ages. This prize includes The Sorcer’s Stone, Chamber of Secrets and Prisoner of Azkaban DVDs!


BARBIE GALORE
VROOM! with Barbie in a hot pink Barbie Corvette, swim with Barbie at Mermaid Falls and have movie night with a new Barbie DVD.


ELITE GYMNASTICS
Founded in 1975, Elite, located in Hawthorne, offers a complete range of professionally supervised gymnastics, swimming and fitness programs for children 3 months through high school. Includes $50 gift certificate towards any class and an Elite t-shirt.

TONS OF TOYS
Tons of Toys in Wyckoff carries the most popular specialty toys with an emphasis on selection, price and customer service. Includes Little Tykes Little HandiWorker Workhorse and a $20 gift certificate.

Sylvie's Birthday

(picture of Sylvie shopping for birthday candles the night before she was admitted to HUMC and diagnosed with cancer)

Sylvie's fourth birthday is tomorrow, May 12. My cheeks look like they have first degree burns from where the tears have collected.

I miss her so much and often wonder if she's present or sharing a moment with us. Wondering why we cry all the time. Sporadically talk to her. Maybe that's why our music playlists randomly change to one of her favorite songs. Or why little girls in the middle of a blizzard yet dressed in Sylvie's favorite gray dress with pink bows & sparkly shoes would approach Michael at the store asking, "ARE YOU A DADDY?" Or when I feel her presence during a yoga class so strong that it feels like her 26 pounds are laying on top of me. Or the numerous friends, friends of friends who have had vivid Sylvie dreams, many of which included my being pregnant with twins long before we told anyone. I even found a handful of crumpled tissues, the soft kind, not the scratchy Seventh Generation ones that I loyally use, tucked in my jacket pocket one day, a distinct reminder of my grandma Sylvia, who little Sylvie in her absolute fabulousness, even at age 3, was destined to become. When I hear birds chirp I think of Snow White, Sleeping Beauty or Enchanted. It takes a very special little girl to get me to think so much about Disney movies, that's for sure. Michael has been planting enough flowers lately to make our house look like an English garden. He said that he keeps planting them because they remind him of Sylvie. She would definitely love them and I had looked forward to teaching her the difference between a tulip, daffodil, peony, lily, lilac, azalea and hydrangea.

And while I get to email friends about how damn sad we are all the time, I can't even begin to imagine how our parents feel because they grieve for us and for Sylvie. They have a common desire to shelter their own children from harm and common emptiness over Princess Sylvie.

As for her birthday, our wounds are still very very raw. Michael and I plan to spend the day together. We'll visit the cemetery, naturally, bring some of Sylvie's favorite books, sparkly rocks and shells and perhaps a red velvet cupcake. I bought a big Ariel birthday candle, too.

Speaking of which, as you know, Sylvie collected and coveted birthday candles. It wasn't a celebration unless candles were lit and Sylvie would push and shove to reach them if she was not the guest of honor. Sylvie would either blow them out, collect them or go so far as to stick her finger in the icing. We had to be careful or she could really spoil someone else's birthday celebration. On the other hand, my dad was so used to Sylvie climbing on him to reach his birthday candles that last year we got him a pink birthday cake since Sylvie would be doing the birthday honors. She was home from the hospital, sat on the couch with her grandpa and yes, blew them all out. We all wished for the same thing. We spent May 11 and 12th in the Reuten Clinic where they had two birthday celebrations and princess parties for her. Lots of candles. Sylvie's many purses were never truly full unless they had candles stuffed inside. We have hundreds of them in different colors, shapes and sizes. In Sylvie's memory and if you feel so inclined we'd be thrilled if you stuck a birthday candle in a piece of cake or cupcake tomorrow, think about our little dynamo and make your own wish.

In addition, she loved pinwheels. Both she and Samantha stuck them in their respective front lawns and I even have a princess one resting beside Sylvie and whenever I see the red, white and blue one in our front yard blowing, I think of her puffing her little cheeks and blowing. So if you're looking for yet another way to remember her that does not involve sugary treats or fire...pinwheels!

Shortly after Sylvie passed, my friend Jeanne-Marie dropped by our house in Vermont bearing a French tradition-- a gorgeous leather album she had bought in Florence and a bottle of champagne, French of course. The tradition goes like this--friends and family members decorate the album with memories and tokens of the dearly departed. It gets passed on from house to house. On the anniversary of the date, friends and family members uncork a bottle of champagne and flip through the album. It's taken me five months to embark on the project and we want to extend to friends, family members, classmates and so forth who would like to decorate a page. Each page is 13" wide by 9.5" tall. We will be sending it all over the country so we ask that you think about it ahead of time so we can be expeditious. Please let us know if you'd like to contribute.

As for us, well we have thousands of photographs and mementos so I am not sure where to begin but we have enjoyed seeing photographs or art projects that our friends and family have taken or made. Thank you for sharing with us and being a constant reminder that most of all, Sylvie was beloved and adored by many.

I would also like to kindly remind those to sign up for Strides For Sylvie at the Ridgewood Run on Monday, May 31. It's best to register online at www.raceforum.com/ridgewood and enter the code SFS10, you will receive a discount and it lets us keep track of the runners. In exchange for a swanky new t-shirt we kindly ask that you independently help raise funds for Tomorrows Children's Fund. We will have pretty incredible tricky tray raffle/auction at the run featuring awesome items and gift certificates from local businesses and also special event tickets. Please stop by.

In Sylvie's memory, her preschool is planting two princess holly bushes and is raising money to create Princess Sylvie treasure chests for the pediatric oncology kids at HUMC filled with princess and superhero costumes and accessories. If you have any brand new, never worn princess/barbie/superhero costumes, they would make great contributions. You can drop them off, bring them to the Ridgewood Run, et cetera. Michael and I can't emotionally bear to drive on Essex or Prospect streets in Hackensack without hyperventilating but we will make sure the costumes reach their destination.

Mother's Day

You are my sunshine my only sunshine you make me happy when skies are gray you’ll never know dear how much I love you . Please don’t take my sunshine away.

I told Michael last week that every day is a zero. I wake up, turn off the dimmed light in Sylvie’s bedroom that I turn on after sundown every night. Quickly scan the bed, night table, bookshelf and dresser for some sign of life or change in stuffed animals, sparkly rocks, books. On top of the bookshelf are cryptic notes on an index card in which I wrote the list of items we wanted Sylvie to have with her on her journey. Perhaps I talk out loud or something corny like that. Then I go downstairs where Lucy and Lucky are jockeying for the lead position in front of the pantry. And so my day begins. It’s not like my days entirely suck. Surely I’m surrounded by caring and wonderful friends & family not to mention Michael, Lucy & Lucky & OJ who are comforting and funny. At the end of the day, I ascend the stairs, turn on the light in Sylvie’s room, scan it again, climb into my own bed and say my prayers that always begin with “God bless my precious daughter Sylvie who is in Heaven.” Michael disagrees with my zero-philosophy because he thinks it devalues everyone else which is not my intention. But as I told him, anything times zero is zero.

This Sunday is Mother’s Day and if you know me well, you know that I have never been a fan of it.

I’ve been a little aggravated by the numerous calls and emails about impending doom and Mother’s Day. They bother me more than Mother’s Day itself. I may have gone overboard to a few people about it. I think it’s a lose lose situation, second only to how some of our friends handle birthdays. The vast majority, with the exception of four total, never ever EVER talk about their kids birthdays because well, yes, it extremely bums Michael & me out. But I mean, really, I know when all their birthdays are so it’s a little obtuse! Polina cautioned me that even when I get annoyed by well wishers, that ultimately, everyone is acting out of concern and wants the best for our family. There isn't a handbook on how to handle this. I get it. But no one knows what it’s like to be Michael and Audra. It sucks. Every fucking day. It doesn’t get better. Sylvie is not magically going to appear at 6 am yelling, “I woked up!”,snuggling in bed and getting eskimo nose-rub kisses or disputing that tilapia and salmon are not indeed fish. I'm not trying to diminish anyone else's warm and fuzzy feeling for the big day, but obviously we won't be having champagne brunch tomorrow.

Sylvie’s birthday is May 12, which in 2006, fell two days before Mother’s Day and has always been the real marker of my becoming and being a mother. My aunt sent me a very thoughtful card. Maeve, the director of Sylvie's preschool brought me roses and a thoughtful wonderful tear-jerking card. My friend Sharmon, Jette’s mom, did too. In fact, Sharmon is my closest friend who really knows and understands because her family are card carrying members of the cancer club. Fortunately, Jette or Jedi as we sometimes call her, is doing fantastic and Michael and I kind of live vicariously through her vivacious spirit, unwaivering courage and strength of a thousand Clydesdale horses. Not to mention, Jette (and her sister) made Sylvie so incredibly happy which makes them saints in my book.

Last year, I blogged about all the mother’s who I encountered daily at the hospital who made our days a little brighter. But I neglected to acknowledge the childless mothers like me, or other mothers who have had to bear the tragedy of burying their children. After yoga class today, several of the women wished me a knowing happy Mother’s Day. I appreciated the sentiment because they knew it carried both respect and sadness.

Amanda, best known as Miss Amanda, or Sylvie’s preschool teacher, came over on Thursday afternoon. She had been withholding one very special art project that Sylvie made. Painted handprints and footprints. I was so touched and naturally cried my eyes out. The feet look bigger and I think I may have to match her shoes to the footprints. Siobahn made a handprint in the hospital when, well, you know, and I couldn’t help but think Sylvie did not like getting her hands dirty. Apparently, she loved having her hands and feet painted.

So really, I cry all the time. At the first note of a song or memory. And whenever I see someone who I really like but haven’t seen for a while, I am just a basket case. I can’t help it. I want to apologize. Hand out a courtesy card. One day last week, I opened Sylvie’s closet doors and dresser drawers for the first time in a while. Untouched, like museum pieces. Her favorite jackets, dresses, costumes & accessories, several dozen Princess, Hello Kitty and Tinkerbell panties and a myriad of pretty shoes, most unworn because Sylvie favored her black party shoes to anything else.

I went to temple last night and had not seen the rabbi for a while. He saw my huge belly after the Shabbat service had begun and walked right up to me to give me a huge hug and say that I was glowing. Naturally, the tears began flowing. And when I stood to say Kaddish, I was a puddle of tears. I could see my dad start to cry out of the corner of my eyes.. My mom tries to be strong but she is always on the verge with tissues on hand. There was another family who recently lost their thirty year-old son and I thought how no religion or faith does justice to the notion of losing a child but I was still glad to be there.

Sylvie’s birthday is next week, May 12. That is my Mother’s Day. And it will not be a happy day. I gave Michael a present-- a reclaimed barnwood framed painting of the aforementioned "You Are My Sunshine" lyrics. I had lunch with Michael's mom today. She coined the nickname, Sylvie Sunshine.

I had already made Sylvie’s fourth birthday mix shortly after her third birthday which I wanted to share because the previous three were pretty awesome and I know Sylvie would want her friends to rock out to her favorite songs. I made a CD of them for Samantha and we listened to it while we ran some errands today. She gave me a wonderful card that she made which of course... made me cry. She was unfazed by my tears-- she's used to it. You can check it out here: (http://itunes.apple.com/WebObjects/MZStore.woa/wa/viewIMix?id=371452140)

Orphan mother
Deflated heart
Beats sadly
Patiently waiting
For reunion.
Swollen womb
With two beating hearts
Their souls entwined
With their sister departed.
To see in them
a piece of her
the greatest hope
For reunion.
To carry on
More aware and
Less naïve
Naked
Higher highs and
Lower lows
Like the Sylvie Rose
the family grows.
-audra