ASANAS FOR SYLVIE

If running isn't your thing but a few downward dogs and sun salutations are, please join the wonderful community at Shree Yoga just down the street in Saddle River for "Asanas For Sylvie," a special Memorial Day Level I & II class from 9:00-11:00 am, Monday May 31. All abilities welcome. All proceeds/donations go to Tomorrow's Children's Fund. Please bring cash or a check made out to Tomorrows Children's Fund.
http://www.shreeyoga.com/

AMAZING RAFFLE PRIZES FOR ALL AGES AND INTERESTS!

Below is a list of fantastic items for kids and adults that will be raffled off on Monday, May 31 at the Strides For Sylvie tent at the Ridgewood Run. We expect a few more to roll in before the race. Thanks for your support.

All proceeds will go to the Tomorrows Children’s Fund at Hackensack University Medical Center.
Raffle tickets are $3 each or 8 for $20. Payment for tickets can be made with cash or check (made payable to Tomorrows Children’s Fund).
All winners will be announced prior to the fun run and prizes can be collected immediately after.

WINBERIE'S
Enjoy weekend brunch for 2 at this local bistro in Ridgewood.

IT’S GREEK TO ME
Includes a $25 gift certificate and a bottle of wine to compliment your adventure in Greek dining. It’s Greek To Me is a casual family friendly restaurant in downtown Ridgewood.


NATALIE’S
A $25 gift certificate to Natalie’s of Ridgewood on Broad street and a bottle of red– yours to choose whether you want breakfast, lunch, dinner, or just some delectable cupcakes!

SUPER CELLARS/ PATRICK & SONS
Ridgewood’s Super Cellars is a family business featuring wines for every shopper, fine cheeses, gourmet packaged goods, fresh bread and prepared foods. Enjoy dinner & drinks on us--A pairing of pasta and sauce accompanied by a bottles of red & white wine. Valued at over $65.

PIZZA FUSION
Fresh, organic and earth-friendly, Pizza Fusion in Ridgewood is a new take on America's favorite food. Includes a $25 gift certificate, organic spices and pizza cutter!

MAGGIE MOO’S
MaggieMoo's super premium ice cream in Ridgewood where you create your own ice cream masterpiece by selecting one ice cream flavor and choosing your favorite mix-ins. This one-year passport entitles you to one ice cream treat each month for a whole year!

TOWN AND COUNTRY APOTHECARY
Win a wonderful gift basket from Ridgewood’s luxury apothecary.

BERGEN PAC
Tickets to an upcoming concert or event!

MADISON SQUARE GARDEN
Tickets to an upcoming concert or event!

ETHOS Fitness.
Spa. For Women
The vision of Ethos is to provide the most welcoming, motivating, luxurious and social environment in which women can improve their health and well-being. Includes 1 month's membership to the club in Midland Park.

PARISI’S FITNESS
Triple your chance to win with one of three gift certificates. Details forthcoming.

DANCE BASKET
Includes a $15 gift certificate to the Dance Bag in Ridgewood and additional ballerina princess-worthy books from Pinkalicious, Angelina, Fancy Nancy, toys and crafts by Melissa & Doug worth nearly $100!

KIDZ BOP
Includes 19 Kidz Bop CDs jam packed with nearly 300 tracks of the best songs sung kids for kids. Featuring the brand new Kidz Bop Sings the Beatles album!

RITA’S SNIPS FOR KIDS
The hippest hair salon in town for your kids . Basket includes gift certificate for a child’s haircut and additional kid-approved products and toys.


LEARNING EXPRESS
Ridgewood's local toy store for unique and educational toys that delight children of all ages. Value over $50.


GAME TOWER #1
Enjoy your favorite classic board games today and for years to come. Family fun for all! Includes Battleship, Clue, Monopoly, Sorry! and Yahtzee.


GAME TOWER #2
Introduce your little kids to the most classic board games. Family fun for all. Includes Chutes and Ladders, Candy Land, Topple, Connect Four and Memory.

BOYS JUST WANT TO HAVE FUN!
Includes Tonka Mighty Motorized tough truck and Playskook Helmet Heroes Police Officer helmet.


HARRY POTTER DVDS (3)
Called the “Wizard of Oz” of it’s time, the Harry Potter collection is a favorites for kids and adults of all ages. This prize includes The Sorcer’s Stone, Chamber of Secrets and Prisoner of Azkaban DVDs!


BARBIE GALORE
VROOM! with Barbie in a hot pink Barbie Corvette, swim with Barbie at Mermaid Falls and have movie night with a new Barbie DVD.


ELITE GYMNASTICS
Founded in 1975, Elite, located in Hawthorne, offers a complete range of professionally supervised gymnastics, swimming and fitness programs for children 3 months through high school. Includes $50 gift certificate towards any class and an Elite t-shirt.

TONS OF TOYS
Tons of Toys in Wyckoff carries the most popular specialty toys with an emphasis on selection, price and customer service. Includes Little Tykes Little HandiWorker Workhorse and a $20 gift certificate.

Sylvie's Birthday

(picture of Sylvie shopping for birthday candles the night before she was admitted to HUMC and diagnosed with cancer)

Sylvie's fourth birthday is tomorrow, May 12. My cheeks look like they have first degree burns from where the tears have collected.

I miss her so much and often wonder if she's present or sharing a moment with us. Wondering why we cry all the time. Sporadically talk to her. Maybe that's why our music playlists randomly change to one of her favorite songs. Or why little girls in the middle of a blizzard yet dressed in Sylvie's favorite gray dress with pink bows & sparkly shoes would approach Michael at the store asking, "ARE YOU A DADDY?" Or when I feel her presence during a yoga class so strong that it feels like her 26 pounds are laying on top of me. Or the numerous friends, friends of friends who have had vivid Sylvie dreams, many of which included my being pregnant with twins long before we told anyone. I even found a handful of crumpled tissues, the soft kind, not the scratchy Seventh Generation ones that I loyally use, tucked in my jacket pocket one day, a distinct reminder of my grandma Sylvia, who little Sylvie in her absolute fabulousness, even at age 3, was destined to become. When I hear birds chirp I think of Snow White, Sleeping Beauty or Enchanted. It takes a very special little girl to get me to think so much about Disney movies, that's for sure. Michael has been planting enough flowers lately to make our house look like an English garden. He said that he keeps planting them because they remind him of Sylvie. She would definitely love them and I had looked forward to teaching her the difference between a tulip, daffodil, peony, lily, lilac, azalea and hydrangea.

And while I get to email friends about how damn sad we are all the time, I can't even begin to imagine how our parents feel because they grieve for us and for Sylvie. They have a common desire to shelter their own children from harm and common emptiness over Princess Sylvie.

As for her birthday, our wounds are still very very raw. Michael and I plan to spend the day together. We'll visit the cemetery, naturally, bring some of Sylvie's favorite books, sparkly rocks and shells and perhaps a red velvet cupcake. I bought a big Ariel birthday candle, too.

Speaking of which, as you know, Sylvie collected and coveted birthday candles. It wasn't a celebration unless candles were lit and Sylvie would push and shove to reach them if she was not the guest of honor. Sylvie would either blow them out, collect them or go so far as to stick her finger in the icing. We had to be careful or she could really spoil someone else's birthday celebration. On the other hand, my dad was so used to Sylvie climbing on him to reach his birthday candles that last year we got him a pink birthday cake since Sylvie would be doing the birthday honors. She was home from the hospital, sat on the couch with her grandpa and yes, blew them all out. We all wished for the same thing. We spent May 11 and 12th in the Reuten Clinic where they had two birthday celebrations and princess parties for her. Lots of candles. Sylvie's many purses were never truly full unless they had candles stuffed inside. We have hundreds of them in different colors, shapes and sizes. In Sylvie's memory and if you feel so inclined we'd be thrilled if you stuck a birthday candle in a piece of cake or cupcake tomorrow, think about our little dynamo and make your own wish.

In addition, she loved pinwheels. Both she and Samantha stuck them in their respective front lawns and I even have a princess one resting beside Sylvie and whenever I see the red, white and blue one in our front yard blowing, I think of her puffing her little cheeks and blowing. So if you're looking for yet another way to remember her that does not involve sugary treats or fire...pinwheels!

Shortly after Sylvie passed, my friend Jeanne-Marie dropped by our house in Vermont bearing a French tradition-- a gorgeous leather album she had bought in Florence and a bottle of champagne, French of course. The tradition goes like this--friends and family members decorate the album with memories and tokens of the dearly departed. It gets passed on from house to house. On the anniversary of the date, friends and family members uncork a bottle of champagne and flip through the album. It's taken me five months to embark on the project and we want to extend to friends, family members, classmates and so forth who would like to decorate a page. Each page is 13" wide by 9.5" tall. We will be sending it all over the country so we ask that you think about it ahead of time so we can be expeditious. Please let us know if you'd like to contribute.

As for us, well we have thousands of photographs and mementos so I am not sure where to begin but we have enjoyed seeing photographs or art projects that our friends and family have taken or made. Thank you for sharing with us and being a constant reminder that most of all, Sylvie was beloved and adored by many.

I would also like to kindly remind those to sign up for Strides For Sylvie at the Ridgewood Run on Monday, May 31. It's best to register online at www.raceforum.com/ridgewood and enter the code SFS10, you will receive a discount and it lets us keep track of the runners. In exchange for a swanky new t-shirt we kindly ask that you independently help raise funds for Tomorrows Children's Fund. We will have pretty incredible tricky tray raffle/auction at the run featuring awesome items and gift certificates from local businesses and also special event tickets. Please stop by.

In Sylvie's memory, her preschool is planting two princess holly bushes and is raising money to create Princess Sylvie treasure chests for the pediatric oncology kids at HUMC filled with princess and superhero costumes and accessories. If you have any brand new, never worn princess/barbie/superhero costumes, they would make great contributions. You can drop them off, bring them to the Ridgewood Run, et cetera. Michael and I can't emotionally bear to drive on Essex or Prospect streets in Hackensack without hyperventilating but we will make sure the costumes reach their destination.

Mother's Day

You are my sunshine my only sunshine you make me happy when skies are gray you’ll never know dear how much I love you . Please don’t take my sunshine away.

I told Michael last week that every day is a zero. I wake up, turn off the dimmed light in Sylvie’s bedroom that I turn on after sundown every night. Quickly scan the bed, night table, bookshelf and dresser for some sign of life or change in stuffed animals, sparkly rocks, books. On top of the bookshelf are cryptic notes on an index card in which I wrote the list of items we wanted Sylvie to have with her on her journey. Perhaps I talk out loud or something corny like that. Then I go downstairs where Lucy and Lucky are jockeying for the lead position in front of the pantry. And so my day begins. It’s not like my days entirely suck. Surely I’m surrounded by caring and wonderful friends & family not to mention Michael, Lucy & Lucky & OJ who are comforting and funny. At the end of the day, I ascend the stairs, turn on the light in Sylvie’s room, scan it again, climb into my own bed and say my prayers that always begin with “God bless my precious daughter Sylvie who is in Heaven.” Michael disagrees with my zero-philosophy because he thinks it devalues everyone else which is not my intention. But as I told him, anything times zero is zero.

This Sunday is Mother’s Day and if you know me well, you know that I have never been a fan of it.

I’ve been a little aggravated by the numerous calls and emails about impending doom and Mother’s Day. They bother me more than Mother’s Day itself. I may have gone overboard to a few people about it. I think it’s a lose lose situation, second only to how some of our friends handle birthdays. The vast majority, with the exception of four total, never ever EVER talk about their kids birthdays because well, yes, it extremely bums Michael & me out. But I mean, really, I know when all their birthdays are so it’s a little obtuse! Polina cautioned me that even when I get annoyed by well wishers, that ultimately, everyone is acting out of concern and wants the best for our family. There isn't a handbook on how to handle this. I get it. But no one knows what it’s like to be Michael and Audra. It sucks. Every fucking day. It doesn’t get better. Sylvie is not magically going to appear at 6 am yelling, “I woked up!”,snuggling in bed and getting eskimo nose-rub kisses or disputing that tilapia and salmon are not indeed fish. I'm not trying to diminish anyone else's warm and fuzzy feeling for the big day, but obviously we won't be having champagne brunch tomorrow.

Sylvie’s birthday is May 12, which in 2006, fell two days before Mother’s Day and has always been the real marker of my becoming and being a mother. My aunt sent me a very thoughtful card. Maeve, the director of Sylvie's preschool brought me roses and a thoughtful wonderful tear-jerking card. My friend Sharmon, Jette’s mom, did too. In fact, Sharmon is my closest friend who really knows and understands because her family are card carrying members of the cancer club. Fortunately, Jette or Jedi as we sometimes call her, is doing fantastic and Michael and I kind of live vicariously through her vivacious spirit, unwaivering courage and strength of a thousand Clydesdale horses. Not to mention, Jette (and her sister) made Sylvie so incredibly happy which makes them saints in my book.

Last year, I blogged about all the mother’s who I encountered daily at the hospital who made our days a little brighter. But I neglected to acknowledge the childless mothers like me, or other mothers who have had to bear the tragedy of burying their children. After yoga class today, several of the women wished me a knowing happy Mother’s Day. I appreciated the sentiment because they knew it carried both respect and sadness.

Amanda, best known as Miss Amanda, or Sylvie’s preschool teacher, came over on Thursday afternoon. She had been withholding one very special art project that Sylvie made. Painted handprints and footprints. I was so touched and naturally cried my eyes out. The feet look bigger and I think I may have to match her shoes to the footprints. Siobahn made a handprint in the hospital when, well, you know, and I couldn’t help but think Sylvie did not like getting her hands dirty. Apparently, she loved having her hands and feet painted.

So really, I cry all the time. At the first note of a song or memory. And whenever I see someone who I really like but haven’t seen for a while, I am just a basket case. I can’t help it. I want to apologize. Hand out a courtesy card. One day last week, I opened Sylvie’s closet doors and dresser drawers for the first time in a while. Untouched, like museum pieces. Her favorite jackets, dresses, costumes & accessories, several dozen Princess, Hello Kitty and Tinkerbell panties and a myriad of pretty shoes, most unworn because Sylvie favored her black party shoes to anything else.

I went to temple last night and had not seen the rabbi for a while. He saw my huge belly after the Shabbat service had begun and walked right up to me to give me a huge hug and say that I was glowing. Naturally, the tears began flowing. And when I stood to say Kaddish, I was a puddle of tears. I could see my dad start to cry out of the corner of my eyes.. My mom tries to be strong but she is always on the verge with tissues on hand. There was another family who recently lost their thirty year-old son and I thought how no religion or faith does justice to the notion of losing a child but I was still glad to be there.

Sylvie’s birthday is next week, May 12. That is my Mother’s Day. And it will not be a happy day. I gave Michael a present-- a reclaimed barnwood framed painting of the aforementioned "You Are My Sunshine" lyrics. I had lunch with Michael's mom today. She coined the nickname, Sylvie Sunshine.

I had already made Sylvie’s fourth birthday mix shortly after her third birthday which I wanted to share because the previous three were pretty awesome and I know Sylvie would want her friends to rock out to her favorite songs. I made a CD of them for Samantha and we listened to it while we ran some errands today. She gave me a wonderful card that she made which of course... made me cry. She was unfazed by my tears-- she's used to it. You can check it out here: (http://itunes.apple.com/WebObjects/MZStore.woa/wa/viewIMix?id=371452140)

Orphan mother
Deflated heart
Beats sadly
Patiently waiting
For reunion.
Swollen womb
With two beating hearts
Their souls entwined
With their sister departed.
To see in them
a piece of her
the greatest hope
For reunion.
To carry on
More aware and
Less naïve
Naked
Higher highs and
Lower lows
Like the Sylvie Rose
the family grows.
-audra